Asian Family Feels: How a parent loves through silence
Written By: Chris Nguyen | Read full profile
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For my Asian peeps out there, were you a victim of your relatives’ bragging as they compared you to their children in front of your parents? And your parents tried to out brag them by boasting about you? Or worse, maybe, your parents stayed silent as they listened to your relatives’ boast?
If you have gone through that, well welcome to the club my Asian brothas and sistas. Some relatives can be THE. WORST. especially when they belittle you by comparing you to their kids.
But, for those of you who have parents who would try to fight back by boasting about you, you better thank them because at least they tried to defend you (while trying to defend their own reputation in the process).
On the other hand, for you guys and gals who have had parents who stayed silent while your relatives ridiculed you for not being as good as your cousins, I feel your pain. It hurts to be looked down upon by your relatives WHILE your parents don’t say anything. It’s almost like you're against the world...right?
For me, I always felt that pain each time we traveled to California to see my relatives. I remembered one time where we had dinner with the relatives at Sam Woo BBQ (you’ve got to try this out, cheap, so-so service, and cash only - you know it’s got to be good). As I was enjoying some delicious mực rang muối (salted toasted squid) and rice, I heard one of my aunts chatting with my mom about us kids (typical Asian parents right 🙄). But anyways, I heard them saying something along these lines (they were both speaking in Vietnamese so I will tell you what they said in English text style):
[Me in my head]: Wait… You’re not going to say anything good about me mom? I got into college too. I was in the top 10% of my class. I’m planning to pursue optometry. Why aren’t you saying anything?!?!?
As I watched my mom stay silent, I was pounded by my aunt’s belittlement of me as she compared me to her daughter. My aunt kept going on and on about her awards, leadership positions in school, grades, etc...
Meanwhile, I felt betrayed by my own mother like how the jedis were betrayed by the clones from order 66 in Star Wars episode III. Did she notice that her own child was getting bullied by his own aunt? Did she notice how her own child felt when his aunt treated him like trash compared to her own child? Did she really think that her own child was pathetic and nothing compared to his cousin?
I didn’t know what my mom was thinking back then until I graduated college. After encountering so many people who like to talk big like - my snobby aunt - during my college years, I realized that my mom didn’t think of her own child as pathetic; she knew that her kid was going to be successful in the future. She just didn’t want to stoop so low like my aunt; a self-conscious person who tries to overhype things that aren’t really big.
She explained to me that “only people who don’t feel confident need to speak up and brag. If you’re really that good, people will see it without you needing to tell them.”
So for my peeps who can relate to these feelings, if you have those parents who never say anything about you to your relatives, that doesn’t mean your parents don’t love you. You know how Asian parents are. You lived with them for basically your entire life. Some are too prideful to tell their children, “I love you!” or “I’m so proud of you!” So, they show their love in an unorthodox way. When you’re around relatives, they show their love to you by teaching you a lesson on being humble. They show you firsthand an example of what not to be -- cocky, self-conscious, unconfident.
If you ever hear your aunts or uncles belittle you, just ignore them. They’re not gonna be with you for your entire life. And besides, if they did talk about how their children are better than you to your parents or other relatives, they are just desperate jelly donuts that crave attention!
So my fellow Asian folks, don’t feel down from what your relatives say about you or your parents’ silence. All of you are talented in your own way! Be the very best that you can be and show that family of yours what you can accomplish!
P.S. If you’ve experienced this, please share your stories with us. We at Nguyening Lifestyles want you to feel seen and to let you know that you always have a community here with us.
P.S.S. Not all our aunts and uncles are that way. The Nguyen Sibs are very lucky to have many aunts and uncles who continue to love, support, and acknowledge us. So we love you fam.
