It was a hot summer day, and we were waiting for my Ông Ngoại to pick up his glasses from Eyemasters in the mall. For those of you who don’t know, my Ông Ngoại was a kind and knowledgeable man who was very soft spoken. (You would’ve never thought he was a general in the Vietnam War and was imprisoned for 10 years). I remember this particular day though because as we sat there and the optician asked him if his glasses were alright, he said they were fine. My mother asked if he was sure in Vietnamese, and he again said something along the lines of “cũng được.” Roughly translated, this is like a “sure” in English - which in my experience is never a very confident answer. 

Now we’ve got to give you a bit of context here. My Ông Ngoại spoke English very well for someone who immigrated to America in his late 50s. In fact, he was a former program director and case worker for Boston’s Vietnamese American Business Association , where he helped Vietnamese immigrants transition into their American lives, teaching them English and how to navigate the system. 

But on that day, the optician spoke to him as if he was just an immigrant who didn’t understand English. Not in a rude way, but you know what I mean -

when they staarrrtttt tttaaawww-kkinngg rreeaaaallllyyyyyy ssssllllooooowwwwww

- with long enunciated syllables? And I mean she didn’t know any better. All she thought he knew was the word “fine” and “okay.” 

Fast-forward to 20 minutes later. We’re in the car driving home from the mall, and my Ông Ngoại suddenly starts opening up and telling my mom how the glasses don’t fit properly or that they had a bad glare or how he still couldn’t really see. 

My mom was livid. I mean rightly so...she had asked him multiple times while we were in the store to let us know how the glasses felt, but he just told us it was fine. My mom, irritated, started screaming that he needed to speak up and tell them if there was a problem right then and there! That’s why they were there! Now we had to go back and get it fixed and figure out what was wrong! 

Of course my grandfather felt horrible. He said that he didn’t realize it at the time and just noticed the differences now. To calm her down, he quickly told my mother that it was fine and she didn’t have to worry about it . . . and I don’t think he wore those glasses very much after that. 

So what’s the moral of the story?

My Ông Ngoại didn’t have a sense of entitlement.  

And let me just set the record straight on what entitlement’s vernacular definition was meant to refer to.

These 2 sentences both mean the same thing: 

You are entitled to speak up. 

You have the right to speak up. 

Yup - your friends that were trying to shame you for being able to do things or having that air of “je ne sais quoi” weren’t necessarily wrong, but they were using the word “Entitled” to shame you by making you feel like you were better than everyone. 

But as my mom likes to say - not everything is black and white. Your friends are talking about being TOO entitled. What I’m talking about here and what Malcolm Gladwell talks about (in his book Outliers) is this idea of basic rights. 

This doesn’t mean that you’ll be heard or that they’ll be granted, but that also doesn’t mean that you should just ignore what’s good for you! 

That day is just one of many stories that my Ông Ngoại lacked self-confidence and as a result didn’t advocate for himself. He didn’t feel like he was entitled to his opinion. I don’t want to presume to know why, and I wish my 13-year old self had the maturity to ask him back then. But the point of this story is to show that you should be entitled to a certain extent. 

I’m sure many Immigrant Americans can relate with this sentiment of not feeling like you can speak up. It’s okay, I feel it more and more nowadays too. But at one point in my life my parents and my Ông Ngoại taught me to not fear it and helped me learn to voice my thoughts and opinions. You might know it as being “rude” or “talking back”, but let’s call it what it is - your right to speak up and say what’s on your mind. Never lose that confidence.

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